Known for its world-class beaches, famous movie stars, and rolling hills of mansions.
People have flocked there for decades to pursue their dream of fame and fortune.
Notoriously left-leaning, California grows and harvests Social Justice Warriors faster than the avocados that are spread across a millennial’s brunch toast.
The land of wealth, fortune, political correctness, and perfect selfie backdrops for celebrities Instagramming their latest rant. It’s so popular amongst the masses that the richest of rich all the way down to the poorest of poor settle down in the Golden State.
California is a land of opportunity where you can pursue your dreams of stardom, or openly shoot up drugs and defecate on in public places. California is a state where they take crime seriously and work hard every day to make their communities safer.
Case In Point: The New California Ban on Straws
Yep. California now bans and threatens jail time for anyone possessing or distributing plastic straws.
Yes, you read that correctly. Please hold your questions to the end. And no we don’t offer public restrooms here. You have to use the sidewalk. Not Joking.
So wait, if the PC police are in hunt of dangerous straw purveyors, then what do the regular citizens do when they’re being attacked by someone with a gun or knife. (This is purely hypothetical. No one in California owns a gun because it’s against the law. And no one in California breaks the laws. Especially when it comes to guns.)
Fear no more, California residents!!
The Closet on the Right presents to you:
Life Hack: How to Use the Straw Ban to Make Your Community Safer
It’s very simple. The next time someone is trying to assault you, rob you or rape you; call 911 and tell the operator you are being offered a plastic straw. IN BULK.
Your assailant is a capitalistic, right-leaning, climate-change denier who is forcing their non-recyclable atrocity on you. They didn’t call you by your chosen pronoun when they began assaulting you with this straw. They didn’t even ASK you what your preferred pronoun was.
Before you can hang up your iPhone, and tweet your situation, the SWAT team will be there. Your life will be saved.
Social Justice will be served.
You can wake up in the morning and enjoy your avocado toast at brunch without fearing for your safety.
At least until the next time that 16 people avoided a violent crime that day.
Question of the day: Should people caught using high capacity straw magazines be given mandatory life sentences?
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