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Life Hack: Using the Straw Ban To Make Your Community Safer

Using the Straw Ban to Make Your Community Safer

Ahhhh California.

Known for its world-class beaches, famous movie stars, and rolling hills of mansions.

People have flocked there for decades to pursue their dream of fame and fortune.

Notoriously left-leaning, California grows and harvests Social Justice Warriors faster than the avocados that are spread across a millennial’s brunch toast.

The land of wealth, fortune, political correctness, and perfect selfie backdrops for celebrities Instagramming their latest rant.  It’s so popular amongst the masses that the richest of rich all the way down to the poorest of poor settle down in the Golden State.

It’s true.

California is a land of opportunity where you can pursue your dreams of stardom, or openly shoot up drugs and defecate on in public places.  California is a state where they take crime seriously and work hard every day to make their communities safer.

Case In Point: The New California Ban on Straws

Yep.  California now bans and threatens jail time for anyone possessing or distributing plastic straws.

Yes, you read that correctly.  Please hold your questions to the end. And no we don’t offer public restrooms here.  You have to use the sidewalk.  Not Joking.

San Francisco Crime Rate Stats

So wait, if the PC police are in hunt of dangerous straw purveyors, then what do the regular citizens do when they’re being attacked by someone with a gun or knife.  (This is purely hypothetical.  No one in California owns a gun because it’s against the law.  And no one in California breaks the laws.  Especially when it comes to guns.)

Fear no more, California residents!!

The Closet on the Right presents to you:

Life Hack: How to Use the Straw Ban to Make Your Community Safer

It’s very simple.  The next time someone is trying to assault you, rob you or rape you; call 911 and tell the operator you are being offered a plastic straw.  IN BULK.

Your assailant is a capitalistic, right-leaning, climate-change denier who is forcing their non-recyclable atrocity on you.  They didn’t call you by your chosen pronoun when they began assaulting you with this straw.  They didn’t even ASK you what your preferred pronoun was.

Before you can hang up your iPhone, and tweet your situation, the SWAT team will be there.  Your life will be saved.

Social Justice will be served.

You can wake up in the morning and enjoy your avocado toast at brunch without fearing for your safety.

At least until the next time that 16 people avoided a violent crime that day.

Question of the day: Should people caught using high capacity straw magazines be given mandatory life sentences?

 

 

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Politics

POLICE STUMPED: Hatchet-Wielding Jihadist Screaming “Allahu Akbar” in Germany

A drunken Muslim man was arrested in a German Christmas market as he was swinging a hatchet, sexually harassing women and yelling, “Allahu Akbar.” Police have yet to discover a motive for the man’s erratic behavior but believe somehow it’s the victim’s fault. They have not arrested any of the victims yet, but say they are hoping to get a break in the case very soon. In the meantime, Angela Merkel is having her staff check on the man to see if he was traumatized by any of the victims in order to determine if it was a hate crime caused by Islamophobia. (sarcasm)

From The Gateway Pundit

You’re gonna love the new Germany that Merkel built with her open borders policies favoring Muslim migrants.

A 38-year-old “drunk” foreign-born man was arrested after he walked into Witzenhausen Christmas market Saturday night, threatening people while waving a hatchet around screaming “Allahu Akbar!”

According to the police, the man was drunk and making “inappropriate” comments towards women.

Thankfully, nobody was injured.

Thanks to Merkel’s dangerous and destructive immigration policies, Germans now celebrate Christmas with ‘diversity barriers.’

While these barriers work to keep Jihadists from mowing people down with vehicles, they haven’t figured out a way to protect the citizens from knife and hatchet attacks by the migrants who practice the ‘religion of peace.’

 To stay up to date with David’s No Nonsense News, make sure to subscribe to his newsletter on his website and follow him on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube @DavidJHarrisJr

He has also just announced that his book “Why I Couldn’t Stay Silent” is available! You don’t want to miss it! Click the tab “Book” on the Home Page on his website.

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satire

To 8 Yr Old Virginia… Yes, There are Deranged Democrats

Dear Editor—

I am 8 years old. Some of my little liberal friends say there are no Deranged Democrats. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, are there a Deranged Democrats?

Virginia O’Hanlon
115 West Ninety Fifth Street

Virginia, your little liberal friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe even when they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little liberal minds. All liberal minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there are Deranged Democrats. They exist as certainly as hate and insanity and devotion to ideology exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest ridicule and laughter. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Deranged Democrats! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no hate to make intolerance this existence.

We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childish antics fill the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Deranged Democrats!? You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the podiums on Christmas Eve to catch Deranged Democrats putting down religion, but even if you did not see Deranged Democrats coming down, what would that prove? Everyone sees Deranged Democrats but that is no sign that there are no sane voters. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? If not, try burning a LGBT flag in front of your house and you will. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle to see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only hate,  intolerance, and insanity can push aside that curtain and view and picture the jumping up and down on the American flag. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Deranged Democrats!? Oh, my God! They live and live forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, they will continue to make people vote for Trump Republicans.

To stay up to date with David’s No Nonsense News, make sure to subscribe to his news letter on his website at www.davidharrisjr.com and follow him on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube @DavidJHarrisJr

He has also just announced his book “Why I Couldn’t Stay Silent” is available for pre-order! Click the tab “Book” on the Home Page on his website. Over 250 books have already been ordered! The first 500 book orders will be signed by David!

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satire

Judge Rules That Bars Can Refuse Trump Supporters

A New York judge David Cohen ruled that political beliefs are not protected by the constitution. He said that the bar (The Happiest Hour) had every right to deny him service based on his political beliefs. But I don’t really believe that is why they refused him service. They just didn’t want him to see all the Democrats crying in their beer. But what if a company that makes diapers for adults refused to sell to liberals? They would have them in court posthaste. Of course the adult diaper company would never do such a thing because the liberal political class makes up 93% of their business. Besides, Maxine Waters told them if they did that she would move to get them impeached.

When Barack Obama was elected, no Republican bars refused service to liberals. Of course, that was out of compassion. Considering Obama’s failed policies, almost everyone in America needed to drink. Now, liberals claim that President Trump is driving them to drink. Actually, that’s true but only because they are in no condition to walk. And  they are drinking to the extreme. They used to drink until they could no longer remain sitting on their bar stool. Now they continue drinking until they can no longer hold onto the floor.

From Fox News 

“Supporting Trump is not a religion,” Conway argued.

Piatek’s attorney Paul Liggieri responded in court, “The purpose of the hat is that he wore it because he was visiting the 9/11 Memorial.”

“He was paying spiritual tribute to the victims of 9/11. The Make American Great Again hat was part of his spiritual belief,” Liggieri claimed. “Rather than remove his hat, instead he held true to his spiritual belief and was forced from the bar,” Liggieri told Justice David Cohen, the New York Post reported.

The judge pressed Liggieri on the spiritual nature of his client’s belief, saying the bar staff would not be aware of Piatek’s specific religious philosophies.

Democrats are trying to cut down on their drinking. They are trying a new method that only allows them to drink things starting with the letter “A”. Like a rum and coke, a shot of vermouth and a bottle of whiskey.

If you ever find yourself in the Village in Manhattan try their famous seven course meal. A six pack of Colt 45 and a cold hot dog.

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