Justin Bieber Settled Down, Traded Infamy for God and Family

Here we have a feel-good story today, true beliebers; one which could inspire great hope and/or relief: former child star and renowned lab-grown pop talent Justin Bieber has semi-officially retired from the tour circuit to focus on his marriage and his commitment to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Yes, you read that right.  This is not a drill.  For once, a child star did not descend into debauchery and poverty in his adulthood.

For many folks at home, this is a huge shock.  Usually, when a celebrity falls off the map, they fall into the tabloids; drugs, sex; anything they can do to regain that lost feeling of fame, their fraying personal connections to power becoming a dependence.  But Bieber managed to avoid all that.  He went clean.  Married a nice gal (who isn’t a celebrity as far as this author can tell, though one could be mistaken) and is firmly committed to his faith (if in an unorthodox way).

As far as we know, he hasn’t been relevant for years, and even his love-to-hate single “Baby” (once the most downvoted video on Youtube) has been dethroned as merely the second-worst thing to grace the site.  The world has bigger problems now than an earworm-inducing teenybopper, and the media has since found a perpetual motion machine of drama in a certain Cheeto-flavored president.  So what’s the big deal?

It appears a few million of Bieber’s fans have been clamoring for a new album, followed naturally, by a new tour, and our Baby-faced heartthrob laid out his intentions on Instagram:

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So I read a lot of messages saying you want an album .. I’ve toured my whole teenage life, and early 20s, I realized and as you guys probably saw I was unhappy last tour and I don’t deserve that and you don’t deserve that, you pay money to come and have a lively energetic fun light concert and I was unable emotionally to give you that near the end of the tour. I have been looking, seeking, trial and error as most of us do, I am now very focused on repairing some of the deep rooted issues that I have as most of us have, so that I don’t fall apart, so that I can sustain my marriage and be the father I want to be. Music is very important to me but Nothing comes before my family and my health. I will come with a kick ass album ASAP, my swag is undeniable and my drive is indescribable his love is supernatural his grace is that reliable…. the top is where I reside period whether I make music or not the king said so. ? but I will come with a vengeance believe that.. (grammar and punctuation will be terrible pretend it’s a text where u just don’t care).

A post shared by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on

In short, he said no.

Baby, baby, baby, no.

But we all know how celebrities are, driven by a collective mosh pit of capricious energies and the ghosts of minstrels of ages past.  He will wish to please his fans someday, and we best be prepared for his returning.  People this famous and this beholden, like energized particles, are bound to be unstable, and we may see the rise of the most retroactively popular and retroactively Christian artist ever to live.  From what this author has seen, we ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

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